I have found my freedom. Hope you find yours too.--elly
Elly Anicete is a freelance writer. When she says "Freelance", she means she can write whenever and wherever she feels like writing. But she is always a newbie in almost some aspects.And for a newbie, she would like to explore. Explore more. Here lies her blog which had been her initial outlet. She's found another though, and that is through some sorta photos. She's also very fond of music. It kept her alive during the virtual war. Now she's here. She's lived to tell.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Pure
Another year has passed and we're back to blogging. What's been keeping me? Nothing much. Work, school, other people. Friends and family. Another year yet almost the same except that this time it's gonna be over soon. Everything will be over soon.
The feeling of independence eats me alive everytime i think of it. I so want it. I am hungry for it. And the feeling of shame gets to me also. Shame that i couldn't bring back the pride my sister once had of me. Turns out, I didn't want any of this after all. Uhm, somethings you just can't explain, you know?Just want to rant out.
Love is all around, yes. But there are points in your life that you fucking feel alone and fucking running out of friends and running out of love to share with people. just as i am feeling now.
then there are persons coming in your life that you think can love you for your flaws and dirty little secrets but hey, they just wanna flatter you. Don't believe all of those "i'm here for you" shit. Most of them just say it because it's automatic. Automatic. Like when you buy a dirty ice cream, it's automatic that you get a tissue because manong had been on the street all day and doesn't have the chance to wash his hands when he pees.that's how some of the people try to show how much they care for you. Some of them are trying to be there but they really can't just like when i am trying to be there for some people important to me but i just really can't. I really can't because i need to be here with myself first.
then some friends turn out to be lovers and you do an akward silence in your friendship. this guy telling me he loves me by telling other people to tell me. the coward he is. and how unfaithful it is. we can never be together because we are both already taken. him by others and me by another and by myself. besides, you learn from your lessons right? one wrecking and dirty relationship is enough. everything sorts of revolves on sex for these fuckers. goddamn. as much as i want you because you get contented on holding hands and sharing our life stories, i can't. so many bad relationships. any kind of relationship-- friendships, enemyships, worksmanships, and a whole lot of things involving the way we interact with other people. gawd. i want it pure this time. honest. clean. considerate. not hurting other people. pure. just pure. if he can give me pure love, why not. sabi nga ni roilan, parang bonnie and clyde daw dating namin. perfect plan. i'll resign and we'll be together to avoid bad reps. too bad. di pa nga eh sirang sira na ko. masyado ako mabait minsan. di ko matiis masaktan ang iba. di pala minsan. parati. if kindness is a sin that goes on a form of a bullet then goddamn it, i would have been shot dead by now, multiple shots pa. sometimes i wish i could learn how to be selfish. but that's not who and what i am and until i change, i will still get hurt. it's just too bad because lately my body is not feeling well, and having my severe migraine back and stomach sickness back makes everything even harder. dunno what is with me, but whenever i'm sick, i get so fucking emotional and so fucking weak emotionally. basta, purity of on everything lang. A former lover once told me that i don't deserve him and i deserve to be happy. Well, maybe i just don't deserve anything that i will get because i am still looking for happiness. galing, parang pursuit of happiness ang dating naman ngayon, putaena. Life is so effing funny. And i just have one last question (as if my tanong talaga ako since kanina), what is life's last name? 'Cause i'd like to meet her. I think we'd be good friends.
The world is a vampire but it will not suck me down
Hello, world! I’m back. It’s nice to be here again.
It’s been a year since I last blogged, huh?
I myself am not sure what the hell happened. Maybe I lost passion for writing. Maybe it’s because of the long-been-running depression that totally ate me. Or maybe lack of internet connection. Maybe it’s because of me starting to have less passion for life. Maybe it’s because of the betrayal I had from a lover. Maybe It’s myself,my studies, my whatever. My adventure in finding myself and proving something to the world for myself again or maybe… everything.
Well, lots of things happened to me over the past year and so. But I’m glad that slowly I’m recovering. Over the past year I have entered a virtual rehab for depression and managed to forget things that have been bothering and putting me down – my family, my former love, and my some friends who do not know anything but to see my superficial side and keep on thinking of themselves not botherijng to check out what was really going on and wasting time like we all have our lives to live on. Doesn’t matter. At least I know what to expect in the future.
One thing I truly realized and proved though – one cannot really know one if they do not know much from themselves. I have found my true self by thinking too much and getting pissed of depression and all of the childhood stuff that kept on haunting me for years. Enough is enough. I was sick of it. I can never bring back time and vengeance is never good enough to rectify the wrongdoings of those who preceded my existence on this soiled filled orange. And I can never smartize (I know there’s not a word like this) the stupid things I have done. My vulnerability. I will not regret my innocence-- the innocence I had that was taken advantage of and was misused. I have not lost my innocence that much. Innocence in everyway is never lost but I can say that I have less innocence now. Together with the alteration of more than a half of my innocence, I have found the true freedom I have longed for. I have found its genuine sense. I must say that I do not regret anything from my past. I would never be like this, myself, if I hadn’t been on those films with different villains but almost the same plot. I do not and will not regret anything that I do. I take pride on the things I do and if other people are not happy about it,well, I cannot blame them because I don’t really tell people a lot of stuff and that makes them not knowing what my heart beats and what my brain impulses are. Man, the things that happened are like a choker worn off after long years. I am now 19 and the rebellions or sort of like what that I have done when I was younger I will not forget. A new life awaits me. I do not need to face death to realize all of these. And for you my friend or whoever you are taking a time to read this, take a breather, explore, love, die and live again.
It really is weird how sometimes not even Bogus can talk to you. It's like living in a ship with 1900. Although I must say that he is far privileged. Look at him-- living in a ship, meeting a lot of people without being discriminated, and learning a lot of music. But he once said that of all these people that you see and will meet when you get out of the ship, how will you know? How sure are you that that person is the right one? How sure are you?And I found myself so unsure. Unsure of everything. I know that shit happens. But, I hope it's not everyday. I mean, imagine yourself starting your week with a whirlwind of events. I guess no one would've thought i had this in me all along. All those smiles are fake. they are jafeiks. What's worst sometimes is when you get to meet the same kind of people everyday in those four cornered walls. the people you want are always gone and those with you are not really WITH you. i don't really need people to be with me all the time. i just need the honesty of presence. what hurts most is that excruciating look of pretension you receive by people around you that the least person you expect to tell the truth to is someone you just met for not even a week ago.
of all these people you meet everyday, how sure are you? answer: it doesn't have to feel certain. just right and happy. ya know what i'm saying?
I live my life by the moon, if it’s half lay it low, if it’s harvest go slow but it’s full then…go! (words of Nelly Furtado – the girl who awed me with her first album. She’s rap, pop, poetry, and all Nelly. Pure music. Very original.)
Anyway, I just felt like saying those words.
It was supposedly a birthday party (although I don’t really know if I should call it a PARTY because all I planned to do when the guests arrive is to talk to them for a while and let them eat and after that? I dunno). I totally tried hard to contact my old friends so we could see each other again. I also invited newfound friends and wanted to invite more. Even before the exact day, while I was just texting them, I was already discouraged – that’s probably the reason why I didn’t bother to text the others. All I did was think that it’s just a small venue, I should just get those who mattered the most. Well the “most” of them didn’t come. Thanks a lot.
I woke up that day from a dream – rather, a nightmare, uh, although I couldn’t call it a nightmare, um, perhaps an advanced warning. I dreamt that those I invited went to a party…of another person. I dreamt that I got mad. Ooh, that’s bad – me getting mad, so, I woke up. Then waking up, I sort of heard that no one’s coming among my cousins. La mesa damn! I mean, although I don’t really need them there, it’s just that we’re going to put this effort in preparing for the day and then suddenly no one will come? That’s like a full course on BS-S (BullShit- Shit ‘tology!) But then again I acted like it was just cool for me. I was even joking that I will have no guests although two of them is sure, that is… still not super sure.
I arrived at the venue with a broken heart..They haven’t texted me yet. Yet, when they did, I practically threw my cell phone when I received simultaneous text messages of people giving me shitty excuses for not coming. Good thing the sofa had big seat foam on it – that caught the rapidly falling cp.
Okay, a little ice breaker – some people came! It was a party of five actually. I’m the fifth who came, haha! They didn’t eat and run at my first ever b-day party-slash-dinner. I actually was surprised at how gladdened I was when four of my friends came. Whew! I really thought that the curse of “you-are-never-gonna-have-a-visitor-because-the-texts-you-received-earlier-will-have-an-effect-on-other-people’s-decision-not-to-come-also” will not end. They were early actually. And then my friend, who had to attend a meeting really put an effort in coming. Thanks, Ronnie!! AlabshoO!!
There you go, they came and ate. we were already Über noisy at the dining table so my aunt had to whisper to me “P’wede ba sa labas muna kayo? Naiistorbo niyo yung mga matatanda, eh” haha. Sorry, we’re certified Paconians so there you go – I had to invite them outside! There were light flashes from the sky so I told them to smile ‘cause I thought God was taking pictures of us, then He started to cry -- it was cool at first for we were still covered by the roof but when he started to blow his nose, ah, that was the time wherein we had to go back inside. Stories from the past and the current news from my batch mates, scary experiences from the bivouac, our courses, and what we really want to be is all we talked about…although I don’t remember telling them what I really want to be. I just ended it with telling them what my course is, I guess I just missed them so much that I cherished every moment – their laughter, their smile, and our simple steady moments that I even forgot talking about myself. I totally let them do the talking. I just listened and laughed along. Thanks to the heavy rain perhaps that they stayed longer than the usual. I think they stayed up to 10 in the evening. Man, that was long! Haha! They were the last to go, I mean, my cousins and other guests already went ahead but them? They were there wacking out with me and the camera. Thanks, guys! I’m so happy, although not as happy as I would be before, still, you really made my 18th b-day a blast. Although it was just the four of you…it was a full house for me.
I guess that night I also lived my life by the moon. If it’s half I’ll lay it low, if it’s harvest I’ll go slow, but the night was full so…GO!!!
okay, I haven't been around for like, what, uh, many days? almost a month now, I think, tsk!
well, a short recap of what's happened for the past few days...
*failed a minor subject so I had to take it up for summer -- actually, I'm currently taking it up hehe, and the professor looks a lot like my uncle -- torture! * had to take up a PE class also but I'm loving it 'coz it's just plain fun! plus, I get to see Alfred(not his real name -- his hair looks like that of Alfred's in Ghost fighter, hehe) everyday! too bad we only have three weeks [we're on the 2nd week] for this class. tsk! I'm fine with some people there though, in fact, I'm enjoying it more than the academics class hehe, as usual! wahahahah!! *i'm waking up very early na but i'm still late for my PE class sometimes..oh, by the way, my PE is volleyball--woohoo!!! saya grabe! i'm loving it, parapapapapa---yuck, i'm actually singing? hehe *I have pending job applications -- this is a progress because for the last 3 years, this is the first time that they actually entertained my application...but I'm still waiting for their do or die call -- I hate being 17!!!! some didn't wanna even call me bec. of my age, darn!! but as far as I know, 15 and above are allowed to work already. bastards! hehe joke lang! call me ;D *still staying with ma sis' here in the house. pong came back though. he's still the same -- full of hidden thingies! I hate him officially today but what can I do? hah!plastikan na! the muthafucking asshole thinks I'm making his wife do stuffs for my own good....yuck, I'm not that kapal noh! *i finally was able to get inside Mayric's! thanks to ate Teta who held her b-day there. happy b-day uli! hehe. and from my experience there, i just wanna say na--- asteeeg!!! puro punk nga lang ang na-absorb kong music nung ibang underground bands except for my band, Kindread, of course! heheh. ayun, JTC was there (again) and so was Kiko Machine -- these guys are funny and they have a choreography..grabe saya nilang panoorin --parang dati nakita ko lang sila sa Sib Show tapos na lumaban sa Red Horse Muziklaban tapos ngaun endorsers na, este, may Coke Sakto jingle na hehe, langya! and the launched band is Publico--a UST band. gwapo bassist nila and ok naman overall...uh, yun lang masasabi ko hehe kasi antok na rin ako nung tugtog sila :) *hindi pa rin pinapadala ni uncle randy ang pangakong laptop...ngayon ko na kailanagan yun...kelan pa kaya niya papadala? kapag graduate na ako at namulubi sa kaka-type sa boborokbok na pc? I wanna type my words in handy! ung tipong nakaupo ako sa kama at my fingers will just do the work--ganun ba! hehe! shets,uncle! *I have a new watch! yehey! kya lang parang trumpo ang ikot kasi..uh, ewan, dala lang kasi ito ni pong eh. pero salamat na rin at natupad ang pangarap kong magka-fossil. wala lang, trip ko lang yung relong yun 'coz it looks classic although the one I got is so...uh..not so.heheh *I now know why I hate riding the jeepney during summer-- ang init!!! bumbero!!! hehe...and I finally know how to go back from ust to manda thru jeepney rides. hassle but thrifty indeed! ;D *i just realized that it took me two years, i think, to appreciate Dramachine -- Ebe's voice is super smooth. very melancholic. effortless drama! two thumbs facing away from each other! hehe. and as always, i still love Sandwich. thanks to my cousin's cd, i fin'lly heard their latest album. i'm so happy. i love the Dvdx track. i love everything Sandwich....hmm, wait, has anyone noticed the band names in our country? hehe kwela. merong bread [Sandwich], palaman[queso,mayonaise,orange and lemons], inumin [milk n money,spongecola] atbp. lol. :D so many bands are coming out. some -- no, wait, most [emphasized] of them even sound alike. well, we'll see. if in 5 more years they are still there and not left out of the trend, then they are super good. survival of the fittest. matira magaling. \m/yeah!! [with matching head bang -- hilo ang abot ko nito!] okay, i have to go now, still have 7am class..gud luck sa'kin and mayang gabi landian time-- weehee! jowk! nah, my friend will be holding her debut party tonyt so i have to look lyk a girl...gandhi, la man lang pahinga, rush ko pa binili costume ko, ah este, yung dress. hehe. bwiset si insan, di ako napahiram ng damit kc naman hindi sila nagbabayad ata ng fone di ko tuloy ma-contact! hehe ah yun...cge, gots to gow, sago! have a blasting summer 'coz i know i will. wahahaha!!
Being one of the docu (pronounced ‘dok-yu’) staff at the AB Variety program held last Thursday, March 9, at the Medicine Auditorium made me a happy person and not to mention, I was oozingly high with joy. I didn’t care if I could still get home(?) after the show that took almost forever, for every moment of it, I mentally documented. Longest hours of my life? Longest day? Mismo! Gandhi! I felt so productive and carefree. I almost literally became a runner while being a staff(er) but it was all worth it due to the people being so nice and we were all busy with things regarding the program. This is the kind of day that I’ve been looking for – work, work, work! Haha. It feels so good to be a useful creature of this round earthly place *wink. I would like to thank the following wonderful people for certain reasons:
Arden = for allowing me to choose the committee of my choice and actually putting me there and giving me a nice approach and for being a real person. I’m so proud of you because you were able to put the event together. Thanks for being such an acknowledging person and appreciating my effort for your event. “Till next time?” you asked, anytime is my answer. Thanks talaga. Luv yah!
Ynee= for guiding me and painstakingly showing me what are to be done in the docu committee and trusting me with such tasks. The trust you gave made me feel more mature, respected, and, well, such a credible person. It feels good having you as the head of the committee. And in the future, when works get loaded up, just dial 090625---haha, kidding!! Well, seriously, you know that I’ll just be around and will always be willing to help. *a big grin* Hehe…and oh, luv yah!
¨ Myx = for being such a nice team buddy, for bearing with me, and bothering to ask if I needed help and if ever I’ve eaten and actually ate with me outside the dean’s office,hehe, and being the responsible person that paved the way for me to get crazy (with the bands and you guys) and be happy for a night. I had fun with you, girl! I hope that this newfound friendship wouldn’t end here esp. not just in the pictures. You are so sweet – making you princess of the night!! Hehe. Luv yah!
¨ Sarah= for being a sweet person and letting me be close of an inch (probably even less!haha) with Join the Club and I had fun knowing how wacky,nice and sweet Biboy can be with people he hardly knows and the other band members including ConJie [Gandhi! He’s so cute.wahaha], Migs (si mr.yoso), and Pao (the drummer/long lost brother of mico. wahahaha) and taking those super close-up pictures. Grabe, ang lapit!Haha. I’m so happy I met you because you are such a nice (level up!) ,sweet and real person. An instant buddy you became and whatta bonding.haha. Thanks to my digicam? Wahahaha. I also would like to thank you for the fact that you are friends with those JTC guys—that made it asier for us to take pictures with them. Not that I’m a fan, hehe, I just love the fact that I was being one of the hectic staff but in the end, a reward of wacky and fun pictures with you and the rest of the people in the event were produced. I am certainly loving you! And, sana araw-araw tayo sabay uwi and i love it that you like Jason Mraz also!! Luv yah!!!
¨ Biboy= for being such a nice person knowing the fact that your band is up and rising. I love our pictures together. Haha. They are all uber wacky!!! and for composing those nice songs and for giving me the local version of the Jimmy Hendrix Experience, which I call: “The JTC Experience”.. I truly loved your performance together with the band. You guys rocked the crowd even though less of the auditorium people were left and half of the people there are the event organizers and staff. Haha. I truly loved hearing the live version of “Nobela”. Hope you could sing it in acoustic next time. As you said, "it's a fun"... meeting you. I can’t believe I’m saying this but…luv yah!
(I also want to thank ConJie for being…uh…cute. Tapos! Hehe)
(p.s.: cute ka rin Biboy, wag kang mag-alala at dahil super bait ka, kwela at trip ko attitude mo, ikaw ang pina- cute!! )
*** haay, grabe...I didn’t know a day could be as sweet as this – I got to help the absc people and eventually became a staff, plus, I get to take pictures (*practicing my photography. Ano? Ulol!! hehe), bond with new people, and get an inch close to some bands namely Sugarfree (para sa mga diabetics. hehe) and Join the Club (para sa mga walang organization. *hehe)
**** This event is genuinely important to me. Thanks also to my buddies aphro, huie, nique, and melai for being in the staff too. hope you guys had fun! sayang, we weren't able to have pics. together. next time na lang! hehe plus, sayangI missedTunOrg's performance bec. I had to accompany some people to take care of the band's room. tsk!
*** They say “till next time” and I always say “yeah”…secretly having the thought at the back of my head that I might not be here in UST next time for some unpredictable reasons. I would love to continue the journey here but I may never know. Now, I hope you see why I am high with bliss having pictures or simply experiencing this event. Party on, you guys!!!
** I don’t usually receive gifts during my birthdays but I totally consider this one as the best gift I/will havefor my up and coming birthday. And, if ever I will celebrate it (‘coz I usually don’t) with people, I will have all of you there and the band (that’s if Biboy’s band wants to). Truly, I will cherish this. Thanks for the gift. *a big smile for everyone :)
Keep smiling everyone!!!It’s a healthy habit and a façade for all the troubles that bothers your everyday mood just like mine….and world peace!! Haha. I love you all, you’re all fucking brilliant!!
for more pictures, kindly go to Sarah's page and click SILBER ;)
Hmm, I heard the media is near to being government-controlled. All I can say is,
I don't know if I should give a fuck to what's happening now or simply be crazy and smile because I'm finally experiencing a future story in history books or what what. All I know is that if this (free press) ends, I'm dead meat. No course. I'm gonna have to switch courses -- nah!
This is a line from a journalism club back in the days "FREEDOM OF THE PRESS WE SHOUT!"
From democracy to dictatorial -- aargghh!!
imaginary conversation:
Elly:Gandhi, what do you think? Should we burn them down now?
Gandhi: we should.
Elly:Should we tie them first -- upside down?
Gandhi: we should .
Elly:Slap them in the face with sticks?
Gandhi: Bitchslap 'em...flee now?
Elly:Nah, let's stay. It would be an insult to go somewhere, be successful and safe -- it would be an insul to our heroes and history.
Gandhi: You do what you have to do, child
Elly:Thanks. I knew I could count on you.! Kisama situation!
