I have found my freedom. Hope you find yours too.--elly

FRANCH ROSE MELOCOTON, YOU CAN ONLY HATE ME IN WORDS

2010-12-23T17:20:00.000-08:00

(OKAY. I know it ain't right to make patol to my former fling's girlfriend/naanakan but what can I do? This is my page after all,right?) *shoulder shrug*

It's so much fun to talk bitch although I am hating myself for doing this, talking to stupid people, uhm, I mean to a stupid person: FRANCH ROSE MELOCOTON. Hope you got to see my shoutout on friendster, biatche knowles. You and your bestfriend, uhm, what's her name? Kahit sabay pa kayo sumugod, I won't lay a finger on low lives like you twos. Although she seems kind 'cause you're just the only one who is "war freak" kuno piece of shit.

GIRL, YOU'VE GOT ISSUES. And yeah, I just want you to know that the state abbreviation of Illinois is IL not ILL haha, check your facebook questionnaire shit hahahaha. And oh yeah, you can say all the things that you want, trash all of the websites that you know about me, but you know what? That ain't gonna change anything that had happened to me and your boy. (Wanna ask what we did together and how many times???)

Listen, I ain't gonna defend myself to people like you who can't even converse in straight English. You know, I have my features because I am half African American because of my pop. And I don't expect everyone to appreciate this mutha fucking face that I got, know what I mean? You sayin' that I look like a dog? Ah-huh? Is that right? Then why did your "gorgeous" boyfriend kick things with me for a while and even introduced me to your own circle of friends? If I look like a dog, then honey, what do you call yours? Because as far as I am concerned, you're the one that's with that boy. So he likes dog looking pussies??? Hahaha. And next time, teach your boyfriend how to do French kiss, because with his years with you honey, you deprived him of the sensational joy of French kissing and what's funny was while we were doing a torrid kiss ,he thought, that it was the same as a french kiss. LOL

I can't please ya since yeah, you seem to have good looks as well,except that I bet your face foundation don't even last a month because of you putting five or more layers before you go out and go to Central Makati.

Central and White Ave. lang ba alam mo puntahan? Sama ka sa akin, I'll take you places where single girls should go, oh yeah, i forgot: you're a teenage mom. Tsk tsk. Doesn't it feel sad that you're trying to enjoy life at this time of your life when you really should be enjoying it only if you had used condom and had a third abortion??? hahahahaha.

Damn, sayang porma mo when you go to central considering that you only live in Washington Makati near the Hardware store with the M. Reyes sari sari store. Funny. I know where you live noh? Maybe one day I'll try to visit you there just like what you said with your phony facebook account under Kristine May Mallari hahahahaha. And your neighborhood? You think you're cool huh? Well, your area seems like a pretty slum area with hoodlums and shit. If I were you, I would lay low and learn English first just like what the Koreans do.

If you really had the nerve, you would have come up to me in Central last time, but what was it? Afraid you'll get in trouble? I should have puked in your over layered face that time. Was just waiting for you to start the fire but you didn't, you little shit. Magpatangkad ka muna bago mo ko sugudin and magpa tutor ka muna. And oh, for what it's worth, YOU ARE MY FAVORITE TALK SHIT.

Pure

2008-09-07T05:37:00.000-07:00

Another year has passed and we're back to blogging. What's been keeping me? Nothing much. Work, school, other people. Friends and family. Another year yet almost the same except that this time it's gonna be over soon. Everything will be over soon.

The feeling of independence eats me alive everytime i think of it. I so want it. I am hungry for it. And the feeling of shame gets to me also. Shame that i couldn't bring back the pride my sister once had of me. Turns out, I didn't want any of this after all. Uhm, somethings you just can't explain, you know?Just want to rant out.

Love is all around, yes. But there are points in your life that you fucking feel alone and fucking running out of friends and running out of love to share with people. just as i am feeling now.

then there are persons coming in your life that you think can love you for your flaws and dirty little secrets but hey, they just wanna flatter you. Don't believe all of those "i'm here for you" shit. Most of them just say it because it's automatic. Automatic. Like when you buy a dirty ice cream, it's automatic that you get a tissue because manong had been on the street all day and doesn't have the chance to wash his hands when he pees.that's how some of the people try to show how much they care for you. Some of them are trying to be there but they really can't just like when i am trying to be there for some people important to me but i just really can't. I really can't because i need to be here with myself first.

then some friends turn out to be lovers and you do an akward silence in your friendship. this guy telling me he loves me by telling other people to tell me. the coward he is. and how unfaithful it is. we can never be together because we are both already taken. him by others and me by another and by myself. besides, you learn from your lessons right? one wrecking and dirty relationship is enough. everything sorts of revolves on sex for these fuckers. goddamn. as much as i want you because you get contented on holding hands and sharing our life stories, i can't. so many bad relationships. any kind of relationship-- friendships, enemyships, worksmanships, and a whole lot of things involving the way we interact with other people. gawd. i want it pure this time. honest. clean. considerate. not hurting other people. pure. just pure. if he can give me pure love, why not. sabi nga ni roilan, parang bonnie and clyde daw dating namin. perfect plan. i'll resign and we'll be together to avoid bad reps. too bad. di pa nga eh sirang sira na ko. masyado ako mabait minsan. di ko matiis masaktan ang iba. di pala minsan. parati. if kindness is a sin that goes on a form of a bullet then goddamn it, i would have been shot dead by now, multiple shots pa. sometimes i wish i could learn how to be selfish. but that's not who and what i am and until i change, i will still get hurt. it's just too bad because lately my body is not feeling well, and having my severe migraine back and stomach sickness back makes everything even harder. dunno what is with me, but whenever i'm sick, i get so fucking emotional and so fucking weak emotionally. basta, purity of on everything lang. A former lover once told me that i don't deserve him and i deserve to be happy. Well, maybe i just don't deserve anything that i will get because i am still looking for happiness. galing, parang pursuit of happiness ang dating naman ngayon, putaena. Life is so effing funny. And i just have one last question (as if my tanong talaga ako since kanina), what is life's last name? 'Cause i'd like to meet her. I think we'd be good friends.

The world is a vampire but it will not suck me down

2007-08-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

Hello, world! I’m back. It’s nice to be here again.

It’s been a year since I last blogged, huh?

I myself am not sure what the hell happened. Maybe I lost passion for writing. Maybe it’s because of the long-been-running depression that totally ate me. Or maybe lack of internet connection. Maybe it’s because of me starting to have less passion for life. Maybe it’s because of the betrayal I had from a lover. Maybe It’s myself,my studies, my whatever. My adventure in finding myself and proving something to the world for myself again or maybe… everything.
Well, lots of things happened to me over the past year and so. But I’m glad that slowly I’m recovering. Over the past year I have entered a virtual rehab for depression and managed to forget things that have been bothering and putting me down – my family, my former love, and my some friends who do not know anything but to see my superficial side and keep on thinking of themselves not botherijng to check out what was really going on and wasting time like we all have our lives to live on. Doesn’t matter. At least I know what to expect in the future.

One thing I truly realized and proved though – one cannot really know one if they do not know much from themselves. I have found my true self by thinking too much and getting pissed of depression and all of the childhood stuff that kept on haunting me for years. Enough is enough. I was sick of it. I can never bring back time and vengeance is never good enough to rectify the wrongdoings of those who preceded my existence on this soiled filled orange. And I can never smartize (I know there’s not a word like this) the stupid things I have done. My vulnerability. I will not regret my innocence-- the innocence I had that was taken advantage of and was misused. I have not lost my innocence that much. Innocence in everyway is never lost but I can say that I have less innocence now. Together with the alteration of more than a half of my innocence, I have found the true freedom I have longed for. I have found its genuine sense. I must say that I do not regret anything from my past. I would never be like this, myself, if I hadn’t been on those films with different villains but almost the same plot. I do not and will not regret anything that I do. I take pride on the things I do and if other people are not happy about it,well, I cannot blame them because I don’t really tell people a lot of stuff and that makes them not knowing what my heart beats and what my brain impulses are. Man, the things that happened are like a choker worn off after long years. I am now 19 and the rebellions or sort of like what that I have done when I was younger I will not forget. A new life awaits me. I do not need to face death to realize all of these. And for you my friend or whoever you are taking a time to read this, take a breather, explore, love, die and live again.

whirlpool

2006-07-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

It really is weird how sometimes not even Bogus can talk to you. It's like living in a ship with 1900. Although I must say that he is far privileged. Look at him-- living in a ship, meeting a lot of people without being discriminated, and learning a lot of music. But he once said that of all these people that you see and will meet when you get out of the ship, how will you know? How sure are you that that person is the right one? How sure are you?And I found myself so unsure. Unsure of everything. I know that shit happens. But, I hope it's not everyday. I mean, imagine yourself starting your week with a whirlwind of events. I guess no one would've thought i had this in me all along. All those smiles are fake. they are jafeiks. What's worst sometimes is when you get to meet the same kind of people everyday in those four cornered walls. the people you want are always gone and those with you are not really WITH you. i don't really need people to be with me all the time. i just need the honesty of presence. what hurts most is that excruciating look of pretension you receive by people around you that the least person you expect to tell the truth to is someone you just met for not even a week ago.

of all these people you meet everyday, how sure are you?

answer: it doesn't have to feel certain. just right and happy. ya know what i'm saying?

sooner or later, don't forget to
multiply

I-can't-think-of-any-decent-title entry

2006-05-29T02:46:00.000-07:00

I live my life by the moon, if it’s half lay it low, if it’s harvest go slow but it’s full then…go! (words of Nelly Furtado – the girl who awed me with her first album. She’s rap, pop, poetry, and all Nelly. Pure music. Very original.)

Anyway, I just felt like saying those words.

It was supposedly a birthday party (although I don’t really know if I should call it a PARTY because all I planned to do when the guests arrive is to talk to them for a while and let them eat and after that? I dunno). I totally tried hard to contact my old friends so we could see each other again. I also invited newfound friends and wanted to invite more. Even before the exact day, while I was just texting them, I was already discouraged – that’s probably the reason why I didn’t bother to text the others. All I did was think that it’s just a small venue, I should just get those who mattered the most. Well the “most” of them didn’t come. Thanks a lot.

I woke up that day from a dream – rather, a nightmare, uh, although I couldn’t call it a nightmare, um, perhaps an advanced warning. I dreamt that those I invited went to a party…of another person. I dreamt that I got mad. Ooh, that’s bad – me getting mad, so, I woke up. Then waking up, I sort of heard that no one’s coming among my cousins. La mesa damn! I mean, although I don’t really need them there, it’s just that we’re going to put this effort in preparing for the day and then suddenly no one will come? That’s like a full course on BS-S (BullShit- Shit ‘tology!) But then again I acted like it was just cool for me. I was even joking that I will have no guests although two of them is sure, that is… still not super sure.

I arrived at the venue with a broken heart..They haven’t texted me yet. Yet, when they did, I practically threw my cell phone when I received simultaneous text messages of people giving me shitty excuses for not coming. Good thing the sofa had big seat foam on it – that caught the rapidly falling cp.

Okay, a little ice breaker – some people came! It was a party of five actually. I’m the fifth who came, haha! They didn’t eat and run at my first ever b-day party-slash-dinner. I actually was surprised at how gladdened I was when four of my friends came. Whew! I really thought that the curse of “you-are-never-gonna-have-a-visitor-because-the-texts-you-received-earlier-will-have-an-effect-on-other-people’s-decision-not-to-come-also” will not end. They were early actually. And then my friend, who had to attend a meeting really put an effort in coming. Thanks, Ronnie!! AlabshoO!!

There you go, they came and ate. we were already Über noisy at the dining table so my aunt had to whisper to me “P’wede ba sa labas muna kayo? Naiistorbo niyo yung mga matatanda, eh” haha. Sorry, we’re certified Paconians so there you go – I had to invite them outside! There were light flashes from the sky so I told them to smile ‘cause I thought God was taking pictures of us, then He started to cry -- it was cool at first for we were still covered by the roof but when he started to blow his nose, ah, that was the time wherein we had to go back inside. Stories from the past and the current news from my batch mates, scary experiences from the bivouac, our courses, and what we really want to be is all we talked about…although I don’t remember telling them what I really want to be. I just ended it with telling them what my course is, I guess I just missed them so much that I cherished every moment – their laughter, their smile, and our simple steady moments that I even forgot talking about myself. I totally let them do the talking. I just listened and laughed along. Thanks to the heavy rain perhaps that they stayed longer than the usual. I think they stayed up to 10 in the evening. Man, that was long! Haha! They were the last to go, I mean, my cousins and other guests already went ahead but them? They were there wacking out with me and the camera. Thanks, guys! I’m so happy, although not as happy as I would be before, still, you really made my 18th b-day a blast. Although it was just the four of you…it was a full house for me.

I guess that night I also lived my life by the moon. If it’s half I’ll lay it low, if it’s harvest I’ll go slow, but the night was full so…GO!!!

okay...so what happened?

2006-04-26T01:05:00.000-07:00

okay, I haven't been around for like, what, uh, many days? almost a month now, I think, tsk!

well, a short recap of what's happened for the past few days...

*failed a minor subject so I had to take it up for summer -- actually, I'm currently taking it up hehe, and the professor looks a lot like my uncle -- torture!
* had to take up a PE class also but I'm loving it 'coz it's just plain fun! plus, I get to see Alfred(not his real name -- his hair looks like that of Alfred's in Ghost fighter, hehe) everyday! too bad we only have three weeks [we're on the 2nd week] for this class. tsk! I'm fine with some people there though, in fact, I'm enjoying it more than the academics class hehe, as usual! wahahahah!!
*i'm waking up very early na but i'm still late for my PE class sometimes..oh, by the way, my PE is volleyball--woohoo!!! saya grabe! i'm loving it, parapapapapa---yuck, i'm actually singing? hehe
*I have pending job applications -- this is a progress because for the last 3 years, this is the first time that they actually entertained my application...but I'm still waiting for their do or die call -- I hate being 17!!!! some didn't wanna even call me bec. of my age, darn!! but as far as I know, 15 and above are allowed to work already. bastards! hehe joke lang! call me ;D
*still staying with ma sis' here in the house. pong came back though. he's still the same -- full of hidden thingies! I hate him officially today but what can I do? hah! plastikan na! the muthafucking asshole thinks I'm making his wife do stuffs for my own good....yuck, I'm not that kapal noh!
*i finally was able to get inside Mayric's! thanks to ate Teta who held her b-day there. happy b-day uli! hehe. and from my experience there, i just wanna say na--- asteeeg!!! puro punk nga lang ang na-absorb kong music nung ibang underground bands except for my band, Kindread, of course! heheh. ayun, JTC was there (again) and so was Kiko Machine -- these guys are funny and they have a choreography..grabe saya nilang panoorin --parang dati nakita ko lang sila sa Sib Show tapos na lumaban sa Red Horse Muziklaban tapos ngaun endorsers na, este, may Coke Sakto jingle na hehe, langya! and the launched band is Publico--a UST band. gwapo bassist nila and ok naman overall...uh, yun lang masasabi ko hehe kasi antok na rin ako nung tugtog sila :)
*hindi pa rin pinapadala ni uncle randy ang pangakong laptop...ngayon ko na kailanagan yun...kelan pa kaya niya papadala? kapag graduate na ako at namulubi sa kaka-type sa boborokbok na pc? I wanna type my words in handy! ung tipong nakaupo ako sa kama at my fingers will just do the work--ganun ba! hehe! shets,uncle!
*I have a new watch! yehey! kya lang parang trumpo ang ikot kasi..uh, ewan, dala lang kasi ito ni pong eh. pero salamat na rin at natupad ang pangarap kong magka-fossil. wala lang, trip ko lang yung relong yun 'coz it looks classic although the one I got is so...uh..not so.heheh
*I now know why I hate riding the jeepney during summer-- ang init!!! bumbero!!! hehe...and I finally know how to go back from ust to manda thru jeepney rides. hassle but thrifty indeed! ;D
*i just realized that it took me two years, i think, to appreciate Dramachine -- Ebe's voice is super smooth. very melancholic. effortless drama! two thumbs facing away from each other! hehe. and as always, i still love Sandwich. thanks to my cousin's cd, i fin'lly heard their latest album. i'm so happy. i love the Dvdx track. i love everything Sandwich....hmm, wait, has anyone noticed the band names in our country? hehe kwela. merong bread [Sandwich], palaman[queso,mayonaise,orange and lemons], inumin [milk n money,spongecola] atbp. lol. :D
so many bands are coming out. some -- no, wait, most [emphasized] of them even sound alike. well, we'll see. if in 5 more years they are still there and not left out of the trend, then they are super good. survival of the fittest. matira magaling. \m/yeah!! [with matching head bang -- hilo ang abot ko nito!]

okay, i have to go now, still have 7am class..gud luck sa'kin and mayang gabi landian time-- weehee! jowk! nah, my friend will be holding her debut party tonyt so i have to look lyk a girl...gandhi, la man lang pahinga, rush ko pa binili costume ko, ah este, yung dress. hehe. bwiset si insan, di ako napahiram ng damit kc naman hindi sila nagbabayad ata ng fone di ko tuloy ma-contact! hehe ah yun...cge, gots to gow, sago! have a blasting summer 'coz i know i will. wahahaha!!

"it's a fun" ---> bibs

2006-03-12T01:45:00.000-08:00

Being one of the docu (pronounced ‘dok-yu’) staff at the AB Variety program held last Thursday, March 9, at the Medicine Auditorium made me a happy person and not to mention, I was oozingly high with joy. I didn’t care if I could still get home(?) after the show that took almost forever, for every moment of it, I mentally documented. Longest hours of my life? Longest day? Mismo! Gandhi! I felt so productive and carefree. I almost literally became a runner while being a staff(er) but it was all worth it due to the people being so nice and we were all busy with things regarding the program. This is the kind of day that I’ve been looking for – work, work, work! Haha. It feels so good to be a useful creature of this round earthly place *wink. I would like to thank the following wonderful people for certain reasons:

Arden = for allowing me to choose the committee of my choice and actually putting me there and giving me a nice approach and for being a real person. I’m so proud of you because you were able to put the event together. Thanks for being such an acknowledging person and appreciating my effort for your event. “Till next time?” you asked, anytime is my answer. Thanks talaga. Luv yah!

Ynee= for guiding me and painstakingly showing me what are to be done in the docu committee and trusting me with such tasks. The trust you gave made me feel more mature, respected, and, well, such a credible person. It feels good having you as the head of the committee. And in the future, when works get loaded up, just dial 090625---haha, kidding!! Well, seriously, you know that I’ll just be around and will always be willing to help. *a big grin* Hehe…and oh, luv yah!

¨ Myx = for being such a nice team buddy, for bearing with me, and bothering to ask if I needed help and if ever I’ve eaten and actually ate with me outside the dean’s office,hehe, and being the responsible person that paved the way for me to get crazy (with the bands and you guys) and be happy for a night. I had fun with you, girl! I hope that this newfound friendship wouldn’t end here esp. not just in the pictures. You are so sweet – making you princess of the night!! Hehe. Luv yah!

¨ Sarah= for being a sweet person and letting me be close of an inch (probably even less!haha) with Join the Club and I had fun knowing how wacky,nice and sweet Biboy can be with people he hardly knows and the other band members including ConJie [Gandhi! He’s so cute.wahaha], Migs (si mr.yoso), and Pao (the drummer/long lost brother of mico. wahahaha) and taking those super close-up pictures. Grabe, ang lapit!Haha. I’m so happy I met you because you are such a nice (level up!) ,sweet and real person. An instant buddy you became and whatta bonding.haha. Thanks to my digicam? Wahahaha. I also would like to thank you for the fact that you are friends with those JTC guys—that made it asier for us to take pictures with them. Not that I’m a fan, hehe, I just love the fact that I was being one of the hectic staff but in the end, a reward of wacky and fun pictures with you and the rest of the people in the event were produced. I am certainly loving you! And, sana araw-araw tayo sabay uwi and i love it that you like Jason Mraz also!! Luv yah!!!

¨ Biboy= for being such a nice person knowing the fact that your band is up and rising. I love our pictures together. Haha. They are all uber wacky!!! and for composing those nice songs and for giving me the local version of the Jimmy Hendrix Experience, which I call:
“The JTC Experience”.. I truly loved your performance together with the band. You guys rocked the crowd even though less of the auditorium people were left and half of the people there are the event organizers and staff. Haha. I truly loved hearing the live version of “Nobela”. Hope you could sing it in acoustic next time. As you said, "it's a fun"... meeting you. I can’t believe I’m saying this but…luv yah!

(I also want to thank ConJie for being…uh…cute. Tapos! Hehe)

(p.s.: cute ka rin Biboy, wag kang mag-alala at dahil super bait ka, kwela at trip ko attitude mo, ikaw ang pina- cute!! )

***
haay, grabe...I didn’t know a day could be as sweet as this – I got to help the absc people and eventually became a staff, plus, I get to take pictures (*practicing my photography. Ano? Ulol!! hehe), bond with new people, and get an inch close to some bands namely Sugarfree (para sa mga diabetics. hehe) and Join the Club (para sa mga walang organization. *hehe)

****
This event is genuinely important to me. Thanks also to my buddies aphro, huie, nique, and melai for being in the staff too. hope you guys had fun! sayang, we weren't able to have pics. together. next time na lang! hehe
plus, sayang I missed TunOrg's performance bec. I had to accompany some people to take care of the band's room. tsk!

***
They say “till next time” and I always say “yeah”…secretly having the thought at the back of my head that I might not be here in UST next time for some unpredictable reasons. I would love to continue the journey here but I may never know. Now, I hope you see why I am high with bliss having pictures or simply experiencing this event. Party on, you guys!!!

**
I don’t usually receive gifts during my birthdays but I totally consider this one as the best gift I/will have for my up and coming birthday. And, if ever I will celebrate it (‘coz I usually don’t) with people, I will have all of you there and the band (that’s if Biboy’s band wants to). Truly, I will cherish this. Thanks for the gift. *a big smile for everyone :)

Keep smiling everyone!!!It’s a healthy habit and a façade for all the troubles that bothers your everyday mood just like mine….and world peace!! Haha. I love you all, you’re all fucking brilliant!!

for more pictures, kindly go to Sarah's page and click SILBER ;)

2006-02-27T03:27:00.000-08:00

Hmm, I heard the media is near to being government-controlled. All I can say is,

I don't know if I should give a fuck to what's happening now or simply be crazy and smile because I'm finally experiencing a future story in history books or what what. All I know is that if this (free press) ends, I'm dead meat. No course. I'm gonna have to switch courses -- nah!

This is a line from a journalism club back in the days "FREEDOM OF THE PRESS WE SHOUT!"

From democracy to dictatorial -- aargghh!!

imaginary conversation:

Elly:Gandhi, what do you think? Should we burn them down now?

Gandhi: we should.

Elly:Should we tie them first -- upside down?

Gandhi: we should .

Elly:Slap them in the face with sticks?

Gandhi: Bitchslap 'em...flee now?

Elly:Nah, let's stay. It would be an insult to go somewhere, be successful and safe -- it would be an insul to our heroes and history.

Gandhi: You do what you have to do, child

Elly:Thanks. I knew I could count on you.! Kisama situation!

back to bedlam

2006-02-25T00:12:00.000-08:00

No permit, no rally.
First, define rally. Second, define EDSA. Of what happened last Friday, who is to blame? People seem to have forgotten what happened 20 years ago. Wait. Let’s erase that. Instead, people have forgotten the genuine quintessence of EDSA. Respect to the event and the whole idea is what ran short of. First, why go rally? Waking up in the middle of the afternoon and see less people in the historical place was sad, I thought, but seeing a lot of people later was worse. Some, uh, wait, most took the opportunity to go and talk about how the government stinks and how the short lady should go down. They weren’t there to celebrate the freedom. They just wanted to do a rally and make the Ninoy thing as an excuse. And when banned by the police patolas, main government officials said it was overacting. Yes, the dwarf might be overacting because perhaps she knows what them people are trying to do because she herself has once done it. It’s the perfect plan, maybe, she thought. Remember EDSA II. As a young soul back then, one would think that the elf was such a brave heart and almost a hero for making stupid Erap go down the throne. She was supposed to be just a leader for persuading the people to make the local Elvis resign but the next thing I knew, she was the president of the state. What the hell? Obviously, she had a hidden agenda. Good thing the people are stupid of the law that they wouldn’t react if I were to take over, she thought maybe. I never liked the shortest version of Nora Aunor ever since I was in grade school and even before her rep got stained. I knew all along something smelled fishy. Being young doesn’t mean you have to trust and accept all the crap. So now that someone informed her that a coup against her would take place, she got paranoid. A criminal knows how things work so there you go – stopped it even before it could happen. And these officials who initiate the rallies? They just have an agenda. From Cory and others: Gloria resign. From me to them: when she resigns, who’s going to take her place? The vice president? One elected by the senate? What? Change to parliamentary? What? Make another election? Ha! That’s funny. Funny in way that no matter what we do, we are never going to rise. Never – because the people are stupid. They are stupid because those knowledgeable make them stupid. How about educating them on how to vote? On what’s it for them if they won’t take bribes when voting? On what the constitution states? On where their money go? These officials are just brave because in people’s eyes, they seem so right. They seem so heroic because they’re going slant the administration and that people watching the media might think hey, they’re right, the bitch is violating the bill of rights (which by the way half of the Filipinos are clueless about). Damn those people taking advantage of innocent minds. Damn those officials. Damn the government. Damn. Just damn it! After what happened, we are now under an indirect martial law. I wouldn’t pity people if they get arrested for incitement to rebellion. They deserve it anyway. They don’t think before they act. Some activists might die with a cause. What cause? Stupid reasons and hidden agendas. Yeah, after some decades they’d be recognized as heroes in history books and when that time happens, it’ll be all crap to me. It’s crap to me now and will always be. Funny thing is I just dreamt something and I think someone kept arguing that no matter what we do, it’s never going to happen – we are hopeless for short. When I woke up, I refused to believe it. I didn’t know it’s going to deteriorate until I saw the news that kept me watching up to the last hour. That’s the longest news I’ve ever watched in my entire life -- the first news that got me interested. I kept on watching…hoping that I’m just having a nightmare and it’s April fool’s day.
No rally, no freedom.
First, define freedom. Second, define Filipinos.

song to say: everybody wants to rule the world(tears for fears).
shit is so sad.damn sad.rizal, boni, and ninoy must be crying blood right now...internally, so am I.

2006-02-14T02:45:00.000-08:00

I got great news for myself: "You just moved out of hell!"

Hell. If someone asked me to define this, I'd say a lot of things. Catholic hypocrites are afraid to do bad things just so they would end up in heaven.Heaven.Hell. I believe in these two things but not as a place but as a situation or a sensation that one feels. The former I can define as something you feel when you achieve something...something. The latter, on the other hand, is something one feels if he does not desire something to happen. Why worry going to hell when what we experience most in our daily lives is hell. Hell in everything.Everything.

Hell. It's in the blood. I guess when I was still in the blue house, I underwent mental torture and emotional disturbance. Mmm, don't want to go further 'coz it's just unbearable for me to go in details.

I'm only gonna stay here in Manda for just a few months, rather, for as long as there's classes. (Well, as long as I'm here, tataas kuryente n'yo sa'kin!) I was gladdened that my sister offered to let me stay in her new house along with her in-laws for two reasons (one, so she could have someone to accompany her while she's bloated;two, she said it would let me concentrate more on my studies) but I sort of felt that she doesn't want me around either. I told her I could stay in the house for good but she said it would double the expenses -- she has to pay our house in Quirino also. She has a point but what I wanted to say is that I don't want near my birth mom anymore. I want away from her big time! But she'd never understand a single letter of my words so I didn't bother elaborate. Gandhi, I'm a complete orphan now.

There was no certain figure to illustrate how happy I was when she texted me and said, yun na nga, I could move in. But I still feel different. Still feels as if something is missing. Whenever I get back from school, I would go straight in the room. It always takes me forever to go down and eat. It's not because I'm changing my clothes or something but because I'm sitting still on the bed, staring blankly. I want to cry to release something that makes me sad. Sad thing is, I don't know what it is -- makes it even harder.

No matter where I go, there's never gonna be another place like that of our house in Syquia. I grew up in that house,although sad, memories are there. Gandhi, how I so dislike moving houses. I've been moving into different places since I was 4 y.o.,I think. And how I envy a friend's friend saying she's not homeless 'coz she inherited her dad's house. I'm so envious of other people 'coz I'm not only homeless, I'm also an orphan.

it's aphro's b-day today.i do not have the right to say "happy" in my greeting but i do wish you well. . .("ngumiti kahit napipilitan" sabi nga nung mala-baklang vox ng join the club) smile always 'coz it makes a big difference in others esp. me.always a text away -- lovely

livre

2006-02-07T03:38:00.000-08:00

2/7/2006

Going to the Livre2 concert last Friday made me realize a lot of things. First of all the thousands is that the concert could swipe the stress I had for going to Ayala, caught up in such traffic and then realizing that a text message has been sent saying that the person whom I was about to meet is gone already. Gone as in lefto! Great! The message could’ve been earlier you know? I mean, I was 50 walks away from the building. Anyway, since I’m used to being stood up, I started thinking, hey, there’s a route to UST…I might as well just attend the concert, duh, it’s free anyway!

Riding the Jeepney

So, there I was, standing near the hi-way, any minute and I could go wet my pants, and I made “Para!” and asked “Manong, Espana?” and off we went. Riding the very creepy jeepney (there was a single passenger) calmed my weewee and made me feel relaxed, so, it was cool. But you know what’s not cool was manong’s face expression when I willingly answered his question of what was happening at the USTe ground. “Sa kwan tawag sa mga ganyan parang…jamboree(?),dito ,ano nga ba ulit tawag dian, ineng?” What?! He was asking so I had to answer…except that I was a bit spacing out, I guess, so I was all smile (‘coz, you know the feeling that you know what’s happening? Hello? It’s not often that I get to know what’s what. lol.) and then I said “Ah, yan ,manong? Livre!” Then the look at his face was like, uh, I don’t have a single clue to what you have just said. Kisama! But then being the annoying person that I can be, I repeatedly said that what’s going on, the concert, the bands, is called Livre. He kept giving me the face and the head move that silently says “na-ah!no!no!”. Manong, you wouldn’t understand, it’s a UST thing!

Entering the Concert

I am not a napkin or a diaper to just absorb the pee that has been waiting for like hours so I hurriedly went to the grandstand restroom before I decided to enter. I didn’t know there was an official entrance so I just went, right after the restroom visit, to the side of the stage…near CFAD building and the pavs. I was making my way through when a guard stopped me and started asking questions. Sorry, manong, I-am-deaf! So he had to repeat all his questions. I think my first answers were “to the concert” and “I am a Thomasian”. Engk! What he was trying to say pala is that if I were part of a band. Oh, yeah, manong, I am part of a band and it’s called “Ijustranoutofmoneyandihaven’teatendinnerandineedtogototheconcerttorelievestress” band! I was actually thinking of a band but I couldn’t possibly say one. Phrrr! But then again, I said no. Damn! So I had to go around the circle and find the stupid entrance. Good thing I have my “reg.form” with me. Turned out that to be able to come in, one needs ball pens or pencils or a book. A book? I have a lot of books waiting to be donated! Great, I only have 30 bucks with me and I had to buy 2 Panda pens ‘cause if I didn’t, I would have to pay. Pay? No way! As I got there, I found out that ball pens aren’t enough, man, they were specific! 10 pens! I sort of got dizzy (literally) when I heard of that –think of all the troubles that I have to go through just to get through. Thanks to my big man Louie – I mean, this guy became my gate pass! I’ve met him twice before and all he could ever talk about is how his course is going to get swiped out of the curriculum next year, how few they are in class, how expensive their tuition and how the department is taking them for granted, etc., and oh, that he is their El Presidente! Haha! Beat that! He has a CRPs – Can’t Remember People Syndrome, but I think he sort of remembers me ‘cause when I was asking things to the person in charge there, he cut in and asked what’s the trouble. I told him that I only had two pens and he said to get in, I need one more. “Sayang kung may ball pen lang ako, pahihiramin kita eh kaso – “ I interrupted and asked him to let me borrow and I’ll pay him back by Monday. “Sige ba. Dare?” huh? What? Dare what? I was just asking to borrow a pen, man. Hehe. He’s a bit weird actually. Remember I wrote that he’s got the CRPS? Well, he also got the CRISIAs – Can’t Remember I said It Already Syndrome – he introduced himself again and didn’t forget to say that he is El Presidente of some sort. Oh well, his ball pen isn’t enough; I had to ask him to back me up. And so he did and I wasn’t really listening to what he said until a word gonged my ear – “Freshman”. What the hell do you mean, man? Oh, that because I’m a freshman I could get in and make my way out? If that would be the case to every concert in town…cool! Haha! I just let it pass ‘cause damn it, I’m here to have fun! Enter Cindy Lauper’s “Girls just Wanna have Fun” except that you could take away the “s” and add “a” to the beginning…” A Girl just Wanna have Fun”.

Concert!

Second of the thousands I learned that night is that “Karisma” best works the crowd – you should see how Brownman Revival’s vocalist worked the bored crowd! Man, his voice is swabeh (as a friend said) and he’s very relaxed…yet, I’ve got two theories why he is always wearing his shades – one is that he wants to pretend he’s invisible, and two is that he’s interchanged the moon from the sun …joke! One thing though, people went gaga when he approached the stage stairs. I wanted to get crazy but the crowd is in a “di mahulugang karayom” mode. There were slamans but it often just lasts for a minute or two. Bloated condoms were flying around and we played it like volleyball—toss here, toss there! People were flashing their camera phones and digicams...hmmm, so, I didn’t know this was a photo and a video shoot; I swear I could have worn my bikini!

Third is that rock concerts that take place at the UST grandstand is not advisable. I mean, hot damn! The place is very hot especially when it’s crowded. Diego Mapa even changed the lyrics of “Dito tayo sa Dilim” to emphasize the heat – instead of “hanep ang init dito” or something, he said “Punietang inet dito!” Guys from behind just laughed because it is true. Plus, I think the priests were sleeping near the Beato building so when it reached the allotted time, someone warned us that we might get in trouble or something if we continue but if that’s what we wanted, then hey, we’ll continue. The annoying thing is that the sound system went crazy. They so lowered the volume that even the people in front (including me) couldn’t hear much…tsk! What more could’ve the people in the back, right? So, since we thought they were not realizing that the volume is ridiculously low, we shouted “volume!” repeatedly but not really like a protest or something. That didn’t work ‘cause I think what they thought we were saying is the other one which is the drug that sounds like volume. Oh, I forgot to say that there were dj hosts from LSS; I mean LS fm, rather. At first they were fun but they were accomplices of the big men so they didn’t explain what was going on. They were even…what do you call this…sarcastic? They said, “What? You can’t hear? Well, you’re going to have to come closer! Come closer!” Wow, dj, we didn’t think of that – oh, wait, maybe because IT IS NOT HELPING! Third lesson can connect to the Fourth, which is ‘all that is free lacks quality’. I’ve been through some free shows before and most of the time they stink like hot manure. It’s either the performers are late for an hour or the bands are not feeling the songs. Either way, you won’t possibly get to enjoy it for a 100% -- it’s a 70-30 (the latter is the percent to which you could probably enjoy ;)

Fifth is that Diego Mapa is so hooked up with his music that he does not use the mic…I don’t think he’s aware that he is holding a microphone. Plus, he looked like my mom during her younger years. I think he gained weight or something or that his clothes got over dried that it shrunk up and when he wore it, he looked like a little Chinese suman. He reminded me of Sam Milby – the eyes; so small and so not manly. I swear, I thought I was seeing the ghost of my mom during the 60s and I realized, since I resemble a lot of my mom, that that’s how I’m going to look like if I cut my hair short right now. Haha! Tripping. Plus, I didn’t like his performance. I mean, by the number of bands that already sang, didn’t he already have the idea that the volume is not pumped up, not pumped up! Gandhi! He was singing like crazy (I know, because of the passion...yadayada), jumping up and down, and not singing through the mic! I didn’t even like the song that he chose to play. He should’ve played ”Dizzy Boy” ’cause it turned out that he was only allowed to sing only one. I could tell from the face and reaction of the crowd I was in that they didn’t enjoy it either. Corny! Most of the bands were like that – singing unfamiliar songs that the crowd couldn’t even ride along (and i thought I was underground), to think, they only had one chance. Really great! I don’t think they realized it’s not a promotional concert wherein you sing your latest to get noticed. It’s a concert, you know, to have fun?!

Sixth is that Ely Buendia (Pupil) is appealing and is really a man of few words…suplado! I remember him changing his name all the time. It’s like I want to tell him, wake up, man, you’re forever going to be Ely Buendia, the guy from E-heads(?!@#$). In fact, the people in the crowd applauded when he appeared. He’s a legend. Many looked up to him. Whenever he finishes singing a new song, we would clap. Then, somebody said (while we were clapping) “Respeto na lang kay Ely, pare”. Oo nga naman. Then when he finished, another one made a punch(?) line
“ Ay! DI man lang pinagtugtog yung sa E-heads, dapat yun na lang eh”. Wow! Talk about respect! I mean, he’s in a new band now. He wants out – out of e-heads. They just don’t know. Tsk! Respect. It’s not just a word; it’s a verb.

Seventh is that Raymond Marasigan (Sandwich) is really cool (he even played the guitar for some bands like 6cyclemind, sugarfree, etc.) and knows how to energize the crowd and is really fun along with Aya (Imago/ she danced the song with the counting [isa,dalawa,tatlo,asan na anino mo?] again and was not aware that it was funny. The crowd was a bit boring when she danced. I jumped but I stopped because the sound was not that lively…darn! Her last song was a fun song. I didn’t enjoy it that much) and Ebe (Sugarfree/ together with Raymund, Aya, Diego, the guitarist of Session Road were making up for the technical problems. You should’ve seen them run around, catching each other on the stage – just going crazy! )– they all made the finale and made it really worth it for us, the audience to wait for them. I actually was waiting for Sandwich because I like Raymund from the minute I saw him years ago on NUtv. He was rapping some songs and it was unique. In fact, I didn’t notice Marc Abaya at that time and up to this time. He could go fuck himself. He’s not the star of the band, Raymund is – he started the band so he decides when it’s going to end (I just hope it never will). Seriously, from the minute the fucking sound system went so low, I wanted to leave. Everybody wanted to leave because there wasn’t a hope of it being repaired (no one even apologized for the problem) but I guess just like me, they wouldn’t want to get out of there without getting some. Some wanted to get their books back but duh? Have they no heart for the beneficiary children? Well, we got some, I got some but I thought it was “bitin” to the max. Hey, all were sounding the “awww” word when lights went off. Everybody was cool, went on their way, but on the inside? I know they were shouting the magic word for the night… MOTHERFUCKERS!

i bet no one finished reading...har...har

weather report

2006-01-26T19:52:00.000-08:00

Why is it that every time you thought the day ended well something always opposes that idea?
I thought mine did well. We didn’t do much. I enjoyed doing a project. I enjoyed seeing an invisible F for my exam, too. Didn’t bother me that much. Just grades (yet, whenever I say that, the other half of the brain keeps on insisting that no, it’s not just grades, it IS grades. It either breaks or ruins your school life. Nah. Stick to the former). So there I was -- coming home late and no one to come home to. Turned out that Ma went somewhere I don’t know again. Yahoo! Party!. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a boarding house except that there’s no curfew at all. Either you come home or not…doesn’t matter. Freedom runs, I guess. Anyway, seeing a person/ people in the house makes me hungry and since there’s no one else around, I’m pretty full. I can do whatever I want. Ah, the single life, the independent life (sort of). Actually, I think I could do well on my own. I’ve been on my own since I was in second grade. I remember fixing my hair alone, my clothes, my shoes, my socks, my baon, and my self. There were times that I envied my classmates who had their parents fetch them and give them money and hugs and kisses. Then there was my fatso classmate who pushed his dad away. That was in our classroom and I don’t know if he saw me but at that time, I felt pity for the dad and anger at him. I wanted to punch his fat ass (yet, I don’t want another “bring mother” because I can’t bring any) and tell him how lucky he was that his dad feeds him (literally with spoon) and that he doesn’t know how many kids out there who can’t have their dads care for them. Years later we became friends and I think I told him of that incident. Can’t remember his reaction. Then there were the others’ parents that gave tlc to their children who didn’t know anything but play around. I remember thinking of saying, “Please adopt me!” I also remember my classmates (girls) asking me who fix my hair and stuff every morning. I told them no one, just myself. Their reactions were weird. Some were “Ows?!”, others were “talaga?”, the other others were “pa’no mo nagagawa yun?”. I always tell them it was easy. But then one day, tired of the questions, one friend shocked the hell out of me. “Lovely, painom.” So I handed her my ice cold mineral water then to her shock she said,“ Galing !Pa’nu mo nalagay yung yelo sa loob?” (Tangoinks!) I was like, duh? Try putting it in a refrigerator. I tried not to laugh so I just thought, awww…what a bunch of babies…they are really pampered that they don’t even know how to clip hairs and how to produce ice.

As I have said, “Freedom”. I just went blank for two hours and kept thinking of some things like what I will do. Cable? It’s broken. Eat? On diet. Sleep? Still insomniac. Study? What? Who said study? Surf the net? Engk! Wrong answer. Watch vcd? Cd-rom is broken too. Read? I think that won’t bore me. What will I do to tire myself? Oh, I know, how about…TV! Nothing’s more boring than watching Abs-cbn (laughs). So, I came to the last resort and what a show and what a news! I just realized that after sometime of staring at the “evil black box”, the name of the deceased is Ernie Baron. I went stiff for a while. Then I let go…No!! That means no more “Knowledge is Power” thing!! No! The only person that makes me feel like there is hope in the Philippine weather reporting is dead. Enter sad Beatles’ song…there are places I remember…all my life….

The television has always been around in my growing up years. I recall wanting to ask Ernie about some things and find out if he really was a walking encyclopedia or just simply see his wave and touch his hair and see if it’s real because I never saw it move – not once and it’s not going twice. I’ve always wanted them to see me grow old. I’ve always wanted old to remain there so I could have something to go back to. To thank for all the knowledge and values and stories and the times that when no one else can make me smile or laugh, they were there. Never again. It will never happen again. I just hope that the people I look up to in my high school alma mater won’t die before me. Those in my grade school years. My teachers and funny serious principals . Sir Baron is really a breakthrough. To me he is different because he just is. I grew up watching the television so I think I could already tell what’s good of a show or not. I always see his house in Alabang and that makes me remember him every now and then. Anu nanaman kaya ang pakulo ni Ka Ernie sa TV ngayon? Bye, sir. I sure will remember you and tell things about you to my future kids (?) and when my nieces and nephews grow up. I can never forget you. I think people never can because there’s always your DC antenna and your Lactovitale that every time people buy, they will think, “Sino kaya gumawa nito? Sino nga ulit nag-endorse nito?”, then there will always be someone who would cut in and say, “Ah, yan? Si Ka Ernie”. Si Ka Ernie Baron. Yung weather forecaster na mahilig mag sabi ng mabilis na ‘bye-bye’. But this time it’s for real. Ba-bye na nga.

I wonder, if ever I see him in heaven or what, will I now be able to touch his hair?
Joke.

i bet no one finished reading...har...har

call all the g's

2006-01-17T03:33:00.000-08:00

whew!good thing i'm still a member of j mraz yg.i don't open a single letter anymore ,yet,good thing a noypi sent an excited announcement."he's coming here".omg.this is it, i said. i have to open this, i said again.i mean, who else could be more excited than a noypi when his idol is possibly coming on this side of the planet.then, there it was. jan.20-21.omg.oyg.oug.gandhi!this is the second time that he's going to come around. i have to see him.hear him.see him.hear him.shake him.his hand, i meant.like, that's possible.i can keep on dreaming.and i can do something.like, i could try asking money from my ninang...yet, we're not that close.how about go carolling...right.how about ask my uber bait ate for the money...asa.okay, how about do chores and get paid...filthy daughter!omg. i don't know what to do. prelims is happening and i can't possibly save my baon for three days.hello?nani?nani?

i can do this...meet jason and ...buy cd!sweet shit!double expenses...huhu...tooth fairy..help!

bed corner: weeping place

2005-12-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I have a confession to make...

I'm sort of good at computers (before).

This info is relative. I only was good because only few of us in the classroom knew how to use the computer. It was pretty basic actually. Microsoft Powerpoint to Excel to Access. I guess at those times that they praised me I was just fooling myself. I was fooling myself that I'm good at computers even though I know that I'm not even the half of a "good" -- well, I maybe good in the sense that I know how the computer works such as if there are errors, I know how to fix by getting the manual and searching the troubleshooter...hmm, I can't seem to put it into words. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know enough to call myself good.

I'm sort of good at computers (before) that I decided to take IT. I heard it's full of Math or one had to be at least good in it if not excellent. I was neither. I once again fooled myself and thought that I could make it if I only study harder. The problem is i wanted to study in a university not just a building of computers...

And now I'm here at UST, living out the dream of being a journalist/college student. During the first semester, I was doing a routine: wake up late, ride a jeepney, walk fast through Espana, and come to class looking like i've never even taken a shower because of the haggard look(hate the hair but what can one do?) and den ride the fx through home and another jeepney and walk through the dark street and knock on our door and say "Ma, pinto!"and if she didn't hear me i'd kick the door and before i knew it, she was murmuring "bastos na bata ito, bakit kaya sinisipa ang pinto? para kang..." den i'd interrupt her by saying "what? you were saying something?", then she'd talk a different language that only fellow parents would understand (laughs). by the time i get to class i try to grasp my breath and normalize my heartbeat and if i was lucky enough, boring professors would come rushing in like fools -- perfect time to think about life's daily happenings (laughs). so, there goes my chance right? and it made me look around physically and hopefully. you see, i didn't cry at my graduation..at least not literally. some reasons would include by an optimistic idea that we'd all be seeing each other again...perhaps at the taft avenue everytime we are about to take a ride to our respective colleges, or inside the jeepneys, at mcdonald's or at robinson's place manila where we all used to hangout because it's the nearest mall or at some friends' parties, or at the street of our hs alma mater, or better yet, maybe we'll meet at the perfect place -- our universities. then another would be is that meeting more sensible minds and more mature people and nicer organizations and lots of activities and more studying hours and less assignments and more interaction to both gender not being limited to f or m.wwell, i guess i missed some when i got here. i haven't change that much though, hmm, probably because some people still hate me and treat me like i'll never grow up, like, i'll never be responsible enough to take phone calls or packages when the oldies are not at home, or bad situaions that need to be handled BY and FOR ADULTS ONLY. i'm so angry when they do that.it's like i'm saying "hello? i'm 17 and if you don't realize, i'm going to be 18 soon! old enough to vote, join contests, and spit on your face,mofos!". whew! that was some anger, huh? well, let me go back to myself in 1...2...and here we go...so you see i said "haven't changed that much" but the point is, i've changed(this just in: it's good news...err...right?). i met some people people and professors who rocked my tangled brain (whoa!whoa!earthquake!).i've become more open-minded and less malicious.sex.the word is nothing to me now.the act?it's nothing to me now.virgni--uh, let's not go there yet, shall we?okay,uh,meeting weirdos?it's the coolest! because you know, before i thought i was the weirdest person one would ever know(if tried to) then i met my blockmates(laughs). diversity runs through the veins of the four-cornered wall. much like high school but still, you know...argh! it's so hard to put into words. in that box, i see groups of babies, alcoholics,tweetums, k.l.s.p., bisugo haters, females gays (because they talk like...you know, using baklush words.lol), t.h. intellectuals, praisers(who often praise other people and forgot how amazing they also are), losts (ones who lose their identity when they mingle with others), name callers (well again, come to think of it, i do "name calls" also but not in your face habbit...which is my darkest(?!) secret[that i realized i just spilled out by now.lol]) so far, i'm loving them. without their presence, what would my day be like? how will i smile without remiscing on the past happy days? my class/blockmates are kiddy. their childish ways makes me laugh most of the time -- maybe not seen on my face but in my red apple flesh, i smile like hell.
***
a lot of things dawned into me. there came a lot of peeps i forgot to keep track of...but i'm glad i've met them(*big grin).
***
i want to have a better future. i consider myself unlucky but a sidebar of that thought keeps telling me -- i'm not the only one. to tell you, growing up seemed so alone...esp. thinking of my mishaps from birth...and it's not that i'm glad others are also miserable but i'm glad i could foool myself once in a while that i'm not caring the world's waste alone...that others get to have a problem...and that i don't have the right to bitch about things because someone out there might have a bigger boobs -- este -- problems, i meant (lotsa laughs).
***
"give me what i want! i always get what i want!"-- a demanding lyrics from that lavigne girl in one of her songs. this is my line! wahahaha! but seems that i can't have everything. you could only have one college course at a time. one school/university. one life.

i want a university wherein i could sit down in field, smell the fresh air, let my hair be caressed by the wind, and read...any book -- may it be academics or leisure books. then, i'm imagining, while the wind caresses my hair and face, that would be a perfect time to read love story (which i never voluntarily did), write a poem or two, or just chill. simply chill.
***
my school is amazing...i just can't see the whole package yet. i'm willing to see it so that i wouldn't compare it to the ideal atmosphere of UP when i first took my test there. i never wished to be in UP Diliman -- not until that testing day that i saw the place, smelled the wind, and felt comfort...future comfort. if ever i said i wanted to pass that stupid upcat, the main reason would be the place not the academe.

***
i'm loving the place. i just can';t imagine myself singing their hymn for the fear of falling asleep in the middle of singing it.

[ laughs laughs and a whole lot more!!!!]

2005-12-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

I saw The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros and it was good. All I could say is that it's the real Filipino film -- has no foreign elements or what -- really Noypi. Noypi in a way it showed what the streets we pass by (which by the way I'm no indifferent with... really am familiar with what was happening 'coz my neighbors,uh, they are the masa) is really like. I knew nique got shocked. haha, it scared you, didn't it? Well, life's like that. Yuck, who am I to talk about life. Gandhi, erase, erase. It's really recommendable for foreigners who have a very bad perception of our country. I'll let my chinese/american uncle Randy watch it and tell him "Uncle, if you have pervert friends and they want to go the Philippines for the ladies, tell them that these scenes( where bogs and other beat the tambays and left them naked, where maxi's dad got shot), are what exactly is going to happen to them" then I'll laugh like crazy and I know my uncle will too. He's the coolest uncle on earth. I cannot ask for more. He's like a buddy to his nieces and nephews which btw is he's not really bloodly related with. Him being from the liberated land makes it more cooler for us because he rides along with our trips plus, he's got values. He can tell assholes from mouths.harhar. ..totally miss him and his family-- my tita Cindy and my chubby cuz Timmy. So, that's it, I guess the movie would win lots of awards. Duh, the best films here are made from scratch and low budget. Take for example, Magnifico -- one of my fave pinoy films. It made me cry big time and I keep on watching it whenever I have time. It gave me inspiration to...uh, whenever we were to make class presentations -- I'm the one doing the retarded part.haha. Maxi is lucky though 'coz his brothers are the best. I have biological brothers but I only feel the other one. Kuya Darwin will surely kick anyone's ass if ever he found out I got violated of some sort. I knew he was very mad when my sister's ex-lover(he's dead now --served him right) tried to break in our house while I was the only person inside. No one in the family asked how I felt,well, pahaging lang siguro akong tinanong ni kuya. Instead, they just made fun of the incident. Fuck them all. They don't know it but I was trembling like hell that night. We just moved in and I don't know as to who's to call. I was texting my ate and almost failed to send it due to the trembling(severe!). I was trembling because I thought I was gonna be murdered -- murdered by my own cousin because he couldn't find my ate. That night,I thought "This is not the time to be a fighter!" I mean, he was drunk alright but he's taller than me. While securing the door, I was holding a bottle of 1 litre coke. Pathetic. The police came but got carried away by the asshole's story which put me in the question: drunk or drugged? He went away but what if he comes back? I didn't sleep really that nigh-- er, it was dawn na pala when the attempted entering happened. Anyway, enough about me -- anong enough? blog ko 'to so I'll bluff as long as I want! Joke! That's it ,I guess. One lucky homosexual. One unfortunate family. Yet, still, it's a family...and that , I think is the most important especially for every kid like Maxi.

watch it or die innocent of love and your streets

Is the Pope in Rome?

2005-10-30T07:04:00.000-08:00

Two months without the two most important technologies ever created for the urban people is quite survived. No internet.No computer that's why. It's quite easy though -- living w/o the two of them. Oh, crap! Look at me liitle girl still whining about her broken machine. Pathetic. It could get worse if you'll let me.

I have two news. One is that I'm still breathing, the second is that I still am not having my pc back. hehe. And as I usually do, right now people, I'm using my cuz' pc (thanks to my internet credit also;). Umm, what else? Let's see...uh, enrolment? Done. Grades? Consider it all done. Schedule checked? Done that also. How was it? It's the most muthaf****** schedule I've seen in my entire studying life. I mean, what the hell was that? The times are the same except for the subjects. Come on! Give us a break! Damn it to the nth level. But, come to think of it, as I always do -- "It's going to be great!!". Insert fake smile.

okay, different topic now. Since no trick or treat for me [yes people, I am still excited for the whole thing.I've never done it before. Nope, not ever. So I was hoping that at least once in my freakin' life I could get to do it. Hey, it's better late than never.* wink] tomorrow,October 31st, Ill try to give you some visual treats. I just got this from my alma mater's yahoo group and guess what, the sender is my bestfriend. yeah, like, it's the opposite. And I was so shocked that I almost said, " Shit! An e-mail from my former friend who pissed the hell out of me? Could this be the perfect Halloween or what?!@#$]"

Pictures bellow are originally from Thailand...

Bread Or DeadNot the normal fresh loaf you'd find at your bakery, these are the creations from a bread shop in Thailand.

Use Your Loaf. The baker in the Thai province of Ratchaburi, 62 miles west of the capital Bangkok, said the gruesome designs were not, yet, meant for public consumption.

Fancy A Handwich?They are intended to reflect the Buddhist philosophy of not believing in what you see as what you see might not be as true as you thought.

Bread And NutterThe detail put into the bread made them an eyecatcher for locals passing by the bakery.

Bread Basket CaseHere, baker Kittiwat Unarrom, 28, brushes the melted butter on the bread.

Just press -->enter!

2005-09-06T03:16:00.000-07:00

note:
school libraries are fun! well, as long as they offer free nets! (just like this moment.I used it for,oh well, for me to say "shit! my pc went down!!")

who ever created pc viruses? ghrrr!!! kung ganun din nman lang pla, sana hindi n nagimbento ng computer!

for the past few days, my pc has been receiving virus attacks. avast antivirus is no good. in fact, no antivirus has ever been of any good, as far as i'm concerned--i should know how to tell 'coz all of my previous pc went down due to viruses. damn trojans and worms!!

anyway, just as i was about to go to the net, and take note: exactly after i pressed the enter button(?) , the computer shut down and "bye-bye, sayonara" i was while figuring out why-oh-why!! but then the pc got revived but the major problem is that it can't pass through the welcome screen making it hard and impossible for me to edit stuffs. *pa'no na 'to? my articles.my notes.my research folders.my life.my best buddy.my notebook.why did thou sleep suddenly?

so there, i will not have my pc for the rest of the september, i think. probably because my sister,elder,doesn't give a whole sweet crap about the thing and to think, well, i think it's her own fault becaue she asked me to use the adaptor thing that she bought. baka peke un kaya nagpa-power failure.hehe. lam mo nman un,everything cheap is fine--except her make-up, baby!

"help! i need somebody.help! not just anybody.help! you know i need someone..heeeeelllpp!"
-line from a Beatles song

i knw no one's reading this but i'm writing it anyway!!

sleeping is the best policy...\m/

2005-09-02T01:56:00.000-07:00

Oh, my...*sigh...I feel so -- *aaaarrgghhh, name it!-- frustrated/disappointed/pitiful/stupid/useless/disgrace/-- for short-- I'm such a failure.Period.
---------
I know, it's already dawn in my time, but I just want to say that I feel so sorry for..err..myself? Why? Well, simply because I'm not good in math.Call me shallow but i don't care. Seriously, I really don't because I want to learn and I love the subject because you get to twist your brain a bit, well, maybe not a bit but too much,yet, the subject, yeas mi amigos, the subject doesn't love me back."You do the Math, sanggol(baby)"..hehe...

Seriously now, I envy those who caught the blessings of arithmetic and bright-- clear hearing abilities,rather. I envy those who caught it on the day God threw them from the sky above. Hmmm, maybe I was sleeping at the day it was spread about. I did "catch" some things like moles all over the body-- pati b nman dila meron? Sa'n ka pa?. Another is the vague hearing ability--goddam!! I always have a hard time hearing things, especially when from afar...it feels as if someone's murmuring somthing on me that distracts me from hearing what was what.

anyway, as again, I'm late for thursday (is this something new?) and I almost missed Pabs' Theo class..kinda made me sad. I didn't really plan on being late as hell but my neck killed me the morning earlier so, there you go. partly listening to pabs' historical (*gahd! i hate history, well, not that much..hihi.) lectures of blah-blah-blah, i mean, don't get me wrong, i like his subject and him of course (no malice please.please, i beg yah!)so i really tried to listen with my whole, eek, heart but i told yah, my neck was killing me(and it still is) so i sort of got distracted but while i was doing so, something crept into my mind, it depressed me and i could hardly talk to any of my seatmates due to the nagging neck-neck pain so i wrote it down.zsa zsa, bahala ka na aking tagapagbasa este reader...

(oh-oh,supposedly, something scanned, just like as picture should be here but, sorry, wait n lang after 10 years coz the scanner won't accept the paper. shit happens. it just did.)

i knw no one's reading this but i'm writing it anyway!!

just my mere expression..for the day..bow.

2005-08-18T05:59:00.000-07:00

It's about past 21:00 now....

I don't know. I just felt a sudden urge to write what my stupid-crooked mouth can hardly express.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines....

Nah. This isn't my line! This is Pablo's!
Seriously now, I'm not sad tonight or today or...well, I hope I won't be sad tomorrow.(wishful thinking)

College is so not that fun...well, sometimes. It's so not pleasing. It's so weird.It so feels as if it's non-existent.

"Everyday is a winding road..."
--Sheryl Crow

For me, I hope it is. Everyday is blowing the same routine. It is so scarce that it blows a different wind...

The other day, which I just realized was yesterday,I was complaining. Yet, I was contented. I went through all the pollution just to step a foot on the gothland. I went through it all just to spend the day outside my detention center. And just look at how fate can play you around.
It is weird, alright. I really don't know why but I feel like jumping up and down 'till I sink into the ground. Ah, what a bliss! I feel like I exist...

i knw no one's reading this but I'm writing it anyway!!

Are you talking to me?

2005-08-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the hell I've done wrong.
I don't why I'm always misunderstood...damn!
I was just concerned morally...nothing more!
Really now, me? A snake? Wow pare, ang labo!
I was hardly giving so much shit . I mean, as the usual me, I don't conform with discrimination so I just did what my friend and I believed as the right thing. Though right now, I feel so low. Hindi ata ako ito ah--First time kong sumabak sa kiddy chaos.Parang bumababa tuloy tingin ko sa sarili ko. I never wanted to be in this kind of ridiculed talks.Shit!

Come to think of it, I hate snakes--literally! And abstractly too. And someone calling me with such a term is such a big deal. Why, you ask? Because it's my first time to be ever called with such label. That stupid girl! Arrrhggggghhhhh!!!! Im'ma kill you! You don't even know the word! Bob_Ong!

(imagine this as my expression when i heard it..."what-the-fuck?")

I came to school (though it was already dimissal) to hangout with some buddies even just for a minute or two because I didn't want to rot in our cave. But...
I felt a sudden discomfort this afternoon .
Now they suspect me of being a mole.
Huh? Who?Me?What for?
What benefit would I get from being one?
Has anyone ever heard me of being so eager to belong? Have you seen me with so many people around?No, right?Right. oh, nique, only you know. I have reasons for everything.

I told you before, and I'm saying this again, I'm not friendly! I have different meanings for words! So, I was right to hold on to my definition or else I would have fallen in a social crisis crap. Good,elly!'twas the right thing...
Well, I hope so...

tsk!tsk! Don't trust misconception,eh? Then why do i feel like you did?....

I hope someone's gonna read this so s/he would know...I was disappointed!
oh well, so much for Eddie Mcdowd's good deeds....

Hi ate, hi kuya...

2005-08-17T07:08:00.000-07:00

july 29....

just a little sumthin' from a an org i recently attended to....yfc(yezzz!!!bagong gising...este buhay!)

actually, it's nt appr0priate or recommended 4 non-believers.....

"i carry a cross in my pocket, a simple reminder to me
of the fact that I am a Christian, no matter where i may be.
this little cross is nt a magic, nor is it a gud luck charm.
it isn't meant to protect me from every physical harm.
it's not for identification, for all the world 2 see
it's simply an understanding between my savior and me.
when i put my hand in my pocket to bring out a coin or a key
the cross is there to remind me of the price He paid for me.
it reminds me, too, to be thankful for my blessings day by day
and strive to serve Him better in all that i do and say.
it's also a daily reminder of the peace and comfort i share
with all who know my Master and give themselves to His care.
so i carry a crooss in my pocket, reminding no one but me
that jesus christ is lord of my life
If only I'll let him be."

pretty isn't it? actually, i'm just imagining dat i'm having comfort wd dis org...but most of d time i do....
it's just deir way of praying dat makes me say "ayuku ku".
it's weird sabi ko, dino said it is.
but u have to blend, just let them so nobody would get pissed
oh i'm so afraid, i'm not dat devoted to raise d hand and sing wd closed eyes
a friend said i shud be ready for if in doing "worship", i'm going to have to say my goodbyes.
bye!bye! silent mode, bye!bye! hands that don't move
just close thy eyes,say ur gratitude,feel d song and raise d roof...
ah!(sigh) well at least der's a free concert, live and kicking
though d people seemed so unreal yet it was wirth being there for d rest of d evening...
----------
hay! what a night! though i didn't talk dat much to many people (hw can i talk? dey are so gud luking...and dey r so nice--always saying ate hi! yfc?kuya?,hi!...i myt as well be just ignored...well, at an incident in a game, i was-- bec.of my tiny voice no one heard me dat much but hell!! ), i still got to sabotage dis one girl's nyt by telling her stories minute by minute....wawa nman xa-- bktima ng babaeng nkawala sa kweba. but i was flattered(again?) because she asked 4 us 2 exchange nos.so we kud talk again...hmmmm, i didn't knw she was listening to my shallow words...but she was--- usually pipol wud just nod deir head and off dey go after hearing a story from me but her, she really listened. wow! dat shud be in a world record...haha...bec. my saliva wasn't just wasted...but while exchanging nos., at the back of my head, i knw that we're never gonna be able to talk to each other again bec. she's in a different dept.,...but if ever that happens-- us seeing each other, me spurting saliva, her listening to me and to the org leader as well, than man, fides granted me sumthing...--nice future pal.
wish i kud interact more wd oder people but my mouth, even though hw hard i try to open it, words wouldn't come out, well unless dey open d door first.....
well, dat's what happened....and it happened....
p.s.
i almost 4got, i also attended a more dramatic club-- sanduguan or red X. it was a funny gen.assembly. though i didn't eat deir sandwich bec i already ate b4hand, i drank deir throat-aching juice-- sunkist! yuck! i hated it! and i still do! i'm never gonna drink lyk dat one again....it made my throat itchy..n tastes like syrup medicine--eeewww!!!(i bet no normal being wud like dat!hmp!)
well, actually, it was a brief meeting but it was filled wd knowledge and laughter at d same time. wd denise coronacion as d adviser and d nice org pipol--- now, how could things go wrong? tsk!
and yeah,b4 i 4get, dey gave us name tags, n i think i was d only one who really displayed it. den dey had a picture taking but i decided not to join dem and wen i was about to go to the place where we were about to be taken a pic. of, i went straight to d door n u knw what happened next--- i 4got to remove d oh so big name tag!! and by d time i made it to the other org, after yfc's prayer, d leader said loudly, "hi elly!", and i was like-- " i thought i removed d nametag during d prayer?" den, oh well, she probably saw it even ryt b4 i realized dat i was still wearing d tag...hehe...well, at least the tag was used kc sa red x di ko xa ngmit eh...hehee....
***end***

i knw no one's gonna read this but i'm writing it anyway!

IM in Collage este College

2005-06-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

[i renewed my blog account--i made a new one so i'm just gonna post these 2 topics dat i post in ma other blog-- i like it here better ...]

---------------------------------------------
okei, imagine parokya ni edgar singing d Rexona anthem.........
.............................."let's do d funk, let's do d first day funk-- " and cut the music!

u wanna read a first day funk? well what happened to me was a 1st day FLUNK!!!

after graduation, i dcided to lead a new life(*ehem) i mean, wen i was in hiskul, i was always....if not always...well...always late 4 class...but u know, i kinda lyk dat activity of myn every morning---kinda lyk "my daily routine" -- waking up late n riding d jeep 5 minutes b4 d bell den running like hell for my life.i didn't care who i'd bump in2-- all i cared about is d gate-- d gate's open n close appearance fr. afar bcoz if ur late, u'll get a C+ n i ddnt wanna have it. though wd a li'l help of prayers, i kinda managed to survive n der u go-- i ddnt get a C+ nor any low conduct grade...........but it's getting a li'l tirin........so i wanna be early 4 class 4 a change

June 15 2005: i wanna die!!!!!!!

i woke up early so as nt 2 b late 4 my 1st day in college.i ddnt wear uni4m though i already have 1 bcoz i thought sum myt nt have deir uni4m yet so i decided to "symphatize" wd dem. yah ryt! der was no dem! der was like only me!!! i mean d moment i entered d univercty, everybody was in uni4m! dang!but sum of dem are sophomores already so, it's cool. so der i was near the faculty of arts n letters gate n i was ready to enter d gate-- uh!uh! no entry! y? bcoz i 4got my s2pd reg. 4m. i mean, i haven't even stepped in front of d gate wen my freakin' clear eyes saw d sign ---

[old students wear ur id n new students present ur reg. 4m]

-- uhmmm,actually, i can't remember wat was really said on d sign but sorta lyk dat n boom! I almost exploded. i mean, nw i need to go back 2 d house w/c is one hour away!!

sh*t tlga!!! y r u doing dis 2 meh?

i had no choice but 2 go back.so i went bk home.n u knw hw i felt? i felt lyk i've already attended d classes bcoz i was feeling weary already n was sweating lyk pig though i'm a piglet(hehe). n d moment i saw my room, i opened d door n saw a scary "mataray" looking lady n her luk was lyk--what?what u want? i mean, normally, i would just say hi n go to my seat--but no! n since i ddnt feel a "welcome look", i came over n asked if it was d ryt room.she asked if i belong 2 her class n wat tym it already was.well,i didn't wanna leave her hanging so i answered her questions.*di rin ako pilosopo eh no? (i actually missed 2 subjects w/c is equivalent to 2 hrs w/c is also equal to d tym i've traveled bak n 4th) she told me to go out n come bak d nxt tym.

d nxt tym? u mean 2morow? u mean i'm present but i will not be attending my first day?
whhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttttttttttt??????

well, i didn't really shout -- just in my head. i almost went teary eyed bcoz i thought she was d adviser n i didn't give a gud imprexn( though i really dnt care) n 2 think of it, it's my 1st day......such a mess!!!!!
i refused so i said sumthin bout d reg. 4m n she was really bz gving d syllabus so she 2ld me 2 go out 1st. n yeah i waited outsyd 4 sum minutes n she came out....i was about 2 "apologize" 4 my freakin s2pdty wen i saw her entering d oder classroom----
den my classm8t said dat i could go in nw "ata" n den i looked @ d old lady's last shadow n was lyk--
d hell?ur nt my adviser? u scared me biatch!!!!
so i went in trying to find a seat near d front wen i heard sum freakin voice sayin sumthin lyk isn't she d one knina/d b xa ung knina? n so i stopped n felt kinda kinda (wag niong ssbihin s iba ha-- nakaramdam din nman ako ng hiya!ching!)so i looked 4 a seat near d exit....n i saw one but its distance from d board was lyk Manila to Yemen.......
n u knw wat? 1st come 1st serve i mean 1st come 1st seated pla kc ung seat nila nung 1st day un n dw 4ever...kinda sad kc ayoko sa likod...may choice b ko?

---
but u knw my literature prof is hella funny.he set up a prank on us. Ang Madamdaming Pananakot! I mean d moment he entered d room, i knew he's gonna do sumthin but it wasn't wat i expected so he got me fooled too.....he called it-- "the 1st day funk" --so funny wenever i think of dat day i wanna laugh!!!! it really made my second day (ehem* in uni4m) worth it..n it was den dat i felt dat i'm in college-- dis is wat i was waiting 4--- a prank from a student pretending 2b a prof. or a prof. doin' d prank!!!! ehheheheh hella!hella!hellarious!!!!!!

sad though at the back of my brain muscle:
e2 p ha....ung buk sa jrn, ngiisa lng dw..at hniram.so ryt nw i'm writing dis wd a problem kung san me kukuha ng copy ng assign nmin n alam ko nmang hella long at malas p kc written report ang gs2 n2ng prof dun....ala me pera so pano me buy ng buk? uhauhauha.....:(

i knw no one's gonna read dis but i'm writing it anyway!!

2005-06-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

june 20,2005

classes started when? well, just last wednesday and today is wat? today is monday going on tuesday!!!

so much readings.....so much quietness in my seat dat my breath always starts to stink after class so if ever d bell rang(though literally-der isn't any) please stay away...ur nt gonna lyk d smell of this......i'm tellin yah...

too early 4 class nominations...i mean how wud we knw?...d election dis afternoon, though i participated, was for me, a joke elecxn-- we hardly even knew each other yet....n so much for one of my prof.....
i just got really pissed off dis afternoon by one of our prof....
he's a freakin' maniac..well though not literally but verbally.....
y can't he just insult the horniness of men rather dan it's always d women.....i mean he does these handworks and moves like an a**hole. he's pretty old.i thought dat getting older gives u more wisdom..but dis guy-- he uses his authority n nevertheless cares bout much of what he say!!! i mean, d nxt day he asks u wat u tackled yesterdy n if only i could answer him, i'd say "all u taught us were how women cn be bitches n hw men wants those women"...hmmm....prof...nt much related 2 ur subject,eih?...i knw reality is reality but dis prof's brutality wen it comes to speaking is below d belt i mean we knw dose stuffs already!! u dnt have 2 say it aloud n demonstrate it!! i still dnt knw y sum of my classmates laugh wen he does those things....n hw my fellow girls manage to laugh still even though it is our dignity dat is being laughed at. no contest. im no feminist or sumthin....i mean say wat u wanna say but i just dnt find dis baldheaded a**hole damn funny!! i mean, it's only our 3rd day of class wd him n still those censored matters r still d things he talks about....
i just can't tell anyone in our room bout wat i'm thinkin because it's a different thing i see in dis dirty old man.i dunno if sum of my guy classmates notice his "kabastusan" but it's just below d belt. i mean his surname sounds lyk a respectable one but he should be called mr.italkshitboutwomenandsumshitboutsumyoungmen. my!

i knw no one's gonna read dis but i'm writing it anyway!